B says I'm perceptive and forceful about it. Other people in my life have described it as dispensing "advice," no holds barred.
It's true. I'm not going to deny it out of false modesty. For whatever reason, I have some skillz in the area of insight and in lacking tact when communicating said insights. So, what do I do with this ability?
As I'm entering the next phase of my adulthood, I'm starting to crave a goal that will move me closer to my dream. My dream is unfocused, but my goal must not be. As of right now, my goal is to finish my undergrad degree. Accomplishing that goal will do much in the way of opening up avenues to new goals, I think. But what is the dream? It's so hazy. Is it being a teacher of peoples (considering my not too shabby skillz mentioned above)? Is it going to art school and finding out once and for all if I'm as creative as I like to think I have the potential to be? I'm like a giant bin of skeins of yarn, like a blank word document, like a sketchbook lying open with the carefully sharpened pencils lined up in a row. I'm waiting to be made into something, and I'm the only one who's supposed to do the making. So what the hell do I do?
B says it's about focus. I think, at this point, I must give up the hope that I can be all the things that have crossed my mind to be at one time or another. I can't be a college professor AND a book editor AND a famous artist AND a singer/actress AND a mom AND a writer AND a cartoonist AND a scientist AND a surgeon AND a lawyer AND a union organizer AND an organic gardener AND a computer programmer AND an interior designer AND....well, see? I have to start narrowing it down so that I don't let this potential go to waste. I want to do what I'm uniquely able to do, to give what only I can contribute to this world because my individual experience and personality and perspective have me interacting with the world in a way that not one other person on earth interacts with it.
That's what I have to give. So that's what I need to find out--what is "that?"And that's what I don't know how to do. And that's what I find discouraging. So, with the idea of focusing on a goal, my goal is to go back to school. In the mean time, I will keep my eyes and ears open for additional goals that I can accomplish.
It's not just time that's passing that makes me feel this sense of urgency, though that's part of it. It's that I'm ready...I'm feeling ready to do whatever it is I'm supposed to do. I wish I knew what it is.
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