ALL RIGHT
I’ve had a cold for the last five days, and that gave me some time to think. And play Fable 2. But also, think, for reals. I didn’t touch my computer hardly at all, I checked twitter and facebook from my phone but that was about it. I didn’t know what was happening in the world, much. Though I am addicted to listening to the Rachel Maddow Show’s podcast the day after the show airs, so I got some politiics, current affairs, etc.
All that’s to say, I had some time to think. And what I’ve come up with is some goals for the coming year. “What?” you say? How can I be so On The Ball as to make my goals for the upcoming year a mere two days before March begins? What can I say, I’m speedy like that.
I’m sooooo terrible at goals, and then: steps to reach goals, and then: lists to finish the steps to reach the goals and by that point I’m pretty tired. Plus, (and this is not a trait I find attractive in myself) I have a SHOCKINGLY short attention span. Even the funness of Fable 2 is already waning, and we’ve only had it for a week. I don’t know if it’s ADD or laziness or what, but I get bored with new stuff pretty damn quick. I’m not a completer or a follower-through. I wish there was a potion I could take to improve my rank in that area, but there’s not. I know the answer is simply DO THE WORK. I know that. I have no excuse. Laziness is not an excuse, it’s a serious, crippling flaw.
So, is the solution “work on one goal at a time?” Some people say that. Or break them down into itty bitty tiny 5-10 minute activities. And just do those. I can do anything for 5-10 minutes. But I haven’t (ever) been able to discover that magic combo of motivational tricks and techniques to overcome my crippling flaw. I know I just have to do it. Every time I write this humiliating post (which, admit, happens a lot), I work myself up into a frenzy of mild interest in taking small steps in the general direction of setting some minor, achievable goals. Then I quit.
So, here they are, again, in version X.0
I’d like to do SOMETHING with my sewing machine. (LBR, please consider this my public apology to you for never answering your question re: sewing. I thought it might compel me to actually do something with my machine, so I put off answering you so that I could answer “yes,” but that strategy didn’t work. I’m sorry.)
I’d like to do some painting.
I’d like to be a very active participant on our vegan blog.
I’d like to start or join a Coffee Party meeting in my area.
I’d like to write more about politics, I think I have reasonable views and insights.
I’d like to write more about faith. I think I have a unique perspective.
A tangent to the goal of writing more about faith is another: I’d like to find a faith partner in my church for study, accountability, and discipleship. It’s a difficult prospect because that model (study, accountability, discipleship in fellowship) is what I learned when I first became a Christian, and it really works for me. However the dilemma is that I don’t know that I can go to the people I knew back then (wow, nearly 10 years now) (WOW) because my views and my faith have evolved and changed significantly. And I don’t know how to find someone now because I may be considered an unconventional Christian.
See, I’m not sure where I fit. I’m a Jesus follower who believes God loves all sinners equally and unconditionally, (including gays and republicans), and that no one is going to hell. I like to read the Bible, and I believe that it can be a tool that God’s spirit uses to enlighten us and to illuminate and reveal the meaning of Christ and his message to his followers at the time, and to reveal its significance to us in our own faith journey and inner spaces.
That means I’m too liberal for traditional evangelical/non-denominational churches (by believing that God loves everyone all the time 100% no exceptions) and, I suspect, too radical for the church I go to (traditional Jesus/salvation which includes everyone who has been “saved,” and those people who haven’t been are going to hell). (SIDE NOTE I’m not positive about whether that’s a fair representation of my church, but they seem pretty traditional in that sense… meaning if you’re saved, you’re saved. However, there is a distinct lack of hell talk, which is fine by me. Also, there’s no pressure to “share the Gospel” or get people to accept Christ, but rather there is encouragement to “share God’s love.” So maybe I’m completely wrong about the church’s views about hell…if I’m brave enough, I’ll come out about mine, and then we’ll see.)
So, the above are some goals. I’m literally already tired of them…just from writing this post. What’s funny is that the next line I was going to type after the last one is “why am I such a loser?” Because that’s what’s going on in my head…but you know who thinks that about me? MY ENEMY. My inner critic/gremlin who loves to keep me down because keeping me down is what keeps it happy, for some sick reason. I’m not a loser, I’m just not adept at setting goals and achieving them. But no fucking bad tapes/inner critic mofo is going to make me think that I’m a miserable failure of a human being just because I’m not as strong in that area as I am in others. I’m a fine person, I’m beloved by God and humans, and I’m intelligent enough to learn new ways and new ideas and new behaviors. So take that, mofo. I’m never going to stop trying.
